Feedback on my craiglist ad

[MarleensYoga]

Here is my first draft for a craiglist ad, I tried to incorporate all the advice that I read on here elsewhere. Let me know what you think. Oh, and should we even include e-mail addresses or should we just give a phone number? Anyway:


Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?

Your shoulders are tight, possibly painful. Maybe your neck too. Your chest feels restricted, making it hard to breathe deeply. There are just so many things to deal with, at work, in life, it is a challenge to keep up. Are you afraid you might be losing touch? Out of shape, too?

As wonderful as a massage may be, it only brings you temporary relief. It

[Administrator]

Originally Posted by MarleensYoga

Here is my first draft for a craiglist ad, I tried to incorporate all the advice that I read on here elsewhere. Let me know what you think. Oh, and should we even include e-mail addresses or should we just give a phone number? Anyway:

Give a phone number if possible. You want them on the phone. You can not convert them into clients without getting them on the phone.

Originally Posted by MarleensYoga

Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?

Not a very strong headline. No benefits. You'll attract people who are depressed.

Originally Posted by MarleensYoga

Your shoulders are tight, possibly painful. Maybe your neck too. Your chest feels restricted, making it hard to breathe deeply. There are just so many things to deal with, at work, in life, it is a challenge to keep up. Are you afraid you might be losing touch? Out of shape, too?

You are scaring them. You are producing pain - which is okay - but you don't take it away. All of those things don't go together - especially out of shape at the end.

Originally Posted by MarleensYoga

As wonderful as a massage may be, it only brings you temporary relief. It’s time to take a different approach, to be pro-active and to free up your shoulders, your breath, and to get back in touch with your body. Experience what it is like to loosen up, to move more freely, to get your balance back, physically and mentally.

This is - forgive me - pure yoga talk. People on the street do not stop one another and say, "All I want is to free up my shoulders, my breathe and get back in touch with my body."

This is the kind of talk you would have with a client who has been around for a few weeks or months.

This is - yoga jargon. And it won't work.

Originally Posted by MarleensYoga

It is time to start healing yourself through movement!

Marleen, a 200 hr Registered Yoga Teacher ®, will help you release the stress out of your back and shoulders by developing a sequence of stretching and strengthening moves geared specifically towards your wants and needs. There is no need to be flexible, no need to be ‘in shape’, we will start right where you are, at this moment in time. She can work with you in your office or at your house and currently has openings for some mid-mornings and lunch hours.

For more information please contact Marleen at 707-747-5103 or e-mail her at MarleensYoga@gmail.com.

No one cares about 200 hrs 500 hrs or 2000 hrs. All they care about is themselves.

It's not likely this ad will do very well. It doesn't offer a lot of benefits.

Focus on the benefits of yoga in real people terms.

Sara just saw this and said, "Harlan, you're so blunt."

I always listen to my teacher.

So here's my suggestion. Go talk to some people who are not involved with yoga and ask them what their health concerns are.

Listen for their issues.

Listen for their concerns.

And above all, listen to the way they talk.

That's exactly how they can be reached.

If if any of them say they are out of touch with their body or their breathe, I'll eat Sara's new laptop that I'm typing this on.

Crunch.... :-)

Namaste!

Harlan The Blunt

[MarleensYoga]

Harlan, I am from Holland, the capital of Blunt. I find you refreshing.

You are totally right about the yoga-speak. It's amazing how quickly we yoga people slip into that. Have we been brainwashed? LOL.

So I've tried to shake out all the yoga babble and came up with the following:

From Stress to Bliss with this simple program!

So your job is stressful, your shoulders are tight and your energy is low? Let

[Administrator]

Much better ad. Now let's run it and see how it does!

Let me know.

Namaste!

Harlan

PS. I'm looking at your ad a second time. Instead of "From Stress To Bliss"
you want something stronger - a physical benefit.

For example:

The Secret To Eliminating Stress

Melt Fat Without Breaking a Sweat. (You haven't seen one of my yoga sessions. We go through 2 towels and a change of clothes. )